well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
