Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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