My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sorry about my life...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
