1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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