i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
