I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
