Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
