My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
