Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
