She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
