So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
