I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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