I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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