I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
