There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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