No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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