dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
