I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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