Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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