theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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