Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
