either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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