I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
