this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
