I looked at my own cervix.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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