You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
