im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
