The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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