Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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