I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
