I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize