I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
