I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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