First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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