I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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