i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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