Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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