pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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