he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
