Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
