the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
