If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
