my sisters under your porch take her home
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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