Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Pants are for mortals
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
