you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
