I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My penis needs a shock collar
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
