I didn't shave. On purpose
My hand turned me down
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
