I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
