guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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