I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
