There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
