Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
