My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
