i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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