I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
