Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize