yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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