The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize